Undeniable
by Lilly Black
Summary: [song fic] Remus's memories of his love [original character].


_He could only watch her, now. He knew he'd gone too far in his temperamental rages. He should have never yelled at her. Not like that. She supported him, both emotionally, and financially. Always had. He regretted it. What he'd done to her, all of it. Marrying her... he didn't want it to be a mistake, but, it was. He'd hurt her by marrying her, even if she didn't see it. _

_He watched her wiping a tear and he swallowed a bit, still afraid to return to the house. Not sure why he was sheepishly standing out here, in the rain, while she was in there, doing everything... she was working, making money, effortlessly. Using her gift, that ungodly, amazing talent. The one that'd saved countless lives, he was sure._

_The woman was simply divine, how she could whip up the most difficult of potions without the bat of an eye. Not a moment of thought--she knew she could do it, and she did it. It was that simple. It paid the bills, kept on the table the foods that the garden and forest could not provide them with. _

_She looked something of a gypsy woman. Hair wild, beautiful... he loved to smell the roses of her shampoo in it. She always smelled so clean... and what he wouldn't give to feel man enough to go back in the house and hold her and apologize for being such a damned coward..._

_He swallowed the lump in his throat. Why was it so damned hard? She was everything... just so... Oh hell, he couldn't even fathom the words. He needed her, he'd surely die from his transformations without the potions her loving, soft hands made for him, without question every month. Fearless, he knew he was lucky, but he wanted so much better for her..._

It's undeniable how brilliant you are  
In an unreliable world you shine like a star  
It's unforgettable now that we've come this far  
It's unmistakable that you're undeniable 

_Remus finally pushed the door open. He sheepishly realized that his lovely wife didn't even look up, and he bit back his own tears of apology. He'd really done it this time. Really went too far. All she ever asked from him was to love her. And this was how he repaid her. Hurting her. He felt that was all he was good for. She gave him everything and all he did was hurt her. Even the photographs in the hall seemed to glare at him. _

_They knew he'd yelled at her again. They knew it. _

_He hated himself for what he did to this amazing woman. Watching as she turned hastily from him, to wipe her tears on a tea towel, turning away from her hot, bubbling cauldron. He frowned, feeling horrible at that instant. _

_He shrugged off his cloak, which was dripping from the rain, and quietly he headed for her, and before she could step away in the tiny kitchen, he got his arms tight around her, pulling her back close to him, and he could smell her, how lovely she smelt. How tempting she always was to him. He had to hold himself inside. He couldn't even breath the words his lips ached to speak to her. 'I'm sorry'. Two words... Yet they seemed the most difficult words in the world. _

_A soft smile dared play itself across his lips, as she relaxed in his arms, and leaned into his body. She was so warm and soft. Everything good in the world, all in one soft package. _

_"I know." She said, softly, hardly a whisper. "I know you're sorry. Don't say it. I know." She twisted slowly in his arms, and before she could even look to him, he'd pressed his lips to hers. Reveling in the soft moan that fell from those heavenly lips, as he kissed her again, and again. _

_Her fingers tangled in his wet hair, around his neck, wanting to be close to him. She knew. Oh she knew... _

_He loved her. He hadn't meant those horrible things he'd said. He didn't regret her. He could never regret her. They'd been together too long. She knew his moods. It didn't hurt so much anymore. Not as bad. She knew her tears said different, that she was lying over and over to herself about this. She loved him, of that she was positive. Could see herself with no one else. No one else fully appreciated or understood her. _

_Not even her own twin. Which, as she swallowed back the pain, was okay with her. She found the man of her dreams. Didn't care he was dangerous, she wasn't afraid of him. Not ever. Not even when he was an uncontrollable, viscous monster. He could never truly be a monster to her. Werewolf or otherwise. _

February 5th, Friday morning, purple dawn,  
Broke a yawn, as I stepped through the fog, like I stepped to a song  
A moment like a poem, you wish you could hold it  
I shut my eyes like it's frozen, it's gone when I open  
It slipped past the clouds right there where it lingered  
Like your band and a girl could slip through your fingers  
My feet hit the ground like a beat for the lonely  
On a path beaten down by the crowds in the morning

_It wasn't a question of why when she'd asked him if he'd ever marry her. The initial response had stung, and she hadn't spoken to him for a full week, just for that most personal insult._

"I can't marry you, Attie, I haven't got anything to offer you, I can never provide for you, I don't even know how I'm going to provide for myself. For gods' sakes, Atria, are you mad? I'm a goddamn werewolf, I could kill you if something went awry." He'd been so exasperated at her. She didn't understand. He had to be hostile. Hated that he'd fallen in love with her. She was a pureblood witch, she could have anything she wanted. All the doors and windows were wide open for her, if she just took the opportunity to gaze around at them.

"I don't care. Damn it, Remus! How can you think that I'd... Oh! I never! Remus John Lupin, just because you are a werewolf, does most certainly not mean I could ever love you any less than I do. How dare you insult me by saying you have nothing to offer, when all I ask for is for you to love me, the way I love you?" The girl's eyes were full of tears. She was hurt. She didn't believe him to be capable of hurting her, until now.

Remus looked away, "I do love you, Attie, but I can't--"

"I don't care if you can provide, Remus, I can take care of that. All I want out of life is to live it with you. I've given you my heart, and I can only trust you to be kind with it. Please."

He hated this. Hated that he'd made her cry. That he couldn't do for her all he wanted. That he couldn't be the man for her. He couldn't be that person. His gaze fell on the lake, as the sun finally broke. "I'm sorry."

He left her there, as she fell to herself in tears. Walking back to the castle, and heading to hide up in his dormitory, to think about what he'd done. He'd punish himself. She deserved so much better than him. And when she stopped talking to him... He knew he'd pushed her away, for good. And it tore him to pieces, but it was for her, all for her. For her benefit. If the world knew she... if she married him... she'd be as shunned as he was, diseased by his lycanthropy or not. And he prayed it stayed 'or not'. He could never forgive himself if he bit her. 

If only I could touch past the phony  
If only they were there now to hold me  
As the questions keep droning

_She seemed to go missing the next week, and he began to panic. No one would tell him where she was. Graduation got closer, and there was a buzzing excitement on the air. Too many new smells, he couldn't sort out Atria's anywhere. He tried the kitchens, the library. But it was as though she had ways to stay where he couldn't find her. She'd even taken all her exams in the first round._

Finally, he found her. Standing where he'd left her. He knew she'd not been there the entire time. "Atria, I--"

Her soft fingertips, brushed across his cracked lips, shushing him. She didn't speak, didn't smile, but moved to her tip-toes, and kissed him, softly, first on the tip of the nose, then the lips.

He couldn't help his smile at that. Seeing stars for the moment. He wasn't sure how to continue what he had been about to say. The apology seemed to disappear. Lost to him, he moved to kiss her, once more, pulling her body close to his, and just taking her in.

He wasn't sure why she didn't shove him off, but he was glad she didn't. Atria's fingers traced over Remus's neck, shoulders and back, returning his ever passionate kisses. This was all the apology she needed. 

You're the only one who stuck it out last night  
The only other one who caught the other line  
You're the only one when this world collides  
The one that I can't deny

_Atria combed her hair, quietly, in front of the mirror in the completely posh London hotel. She smiled to Remus, as he attempted to sneak up behind her. "I knew you'd find me."_

Remus smiled, but it came out more a frown, "Attie, I'm--"

"When will you learn, you don't have to apologize to me, Rem?" Atria smiled and shook her head.

"I'm still sorry-- I should have never--" Her fingers on his lips cut him off.

"Shhh... I am here..." she whispered, "Before you, in nothing but a thin, short bathrobe, accepting that you are capable of mistakes, as everyone else. I do not fault or blame you for anything. I nothing but love you. So, beautiful, gorgeous man, what are you going to do about it?" Her lips had found themselves awful close to his, and Remus found himself kissing her passionately. Something in her voice, it demanded it. She had everything over him.

He clawed at the bathrobe, wanting to get at the pleasure of her flesh. She knew his weakness; her. And he hated how she had that over him, but it was part of what made him so desperately in love with her. He could practically devour her like this. Her skin was extremely soft, creamy, and just so delicious. He loved her too much, it clouded him.

He hated the feeling of hopelessness, but embraced it. She just had that effect on him, sometimes. But the dominance in him took over, and he pinned her...

It's undeniable how brilliant you are  
In an unreliable world you shine like a star  
It's unforgettable now that we've come this far  
It's unmistakable that you're undeniable

_Atria sat, quietly, in the dark dungeon classroom. Waiting for marks seemed a funeral waiting to happen. She was scared, and with no right to be so. She'd clearly passed, her potion had been the only one to work, and perfectly. So perfect. But she could never see it that way. She'd yet to embrace this, chewing on her lip slightly, she was at first startled by the hand that moved to rub her knee._

He looked at her, and smiled slightly when she met his eyes. He just wanted her to relax, to be calm. She'd so effortlessly passed, and he couldn't be more amazed with her. She was good at all this, the chemical properties and reactions tied with the magical ones and she pretended, but she knew every single bit of it.

Every bit. He shifted to give her privacy, as the marks came around. Turning away to let this young woman discover herself, finally. Her cumulative scores from the past seven years adorned that sheet. He wondered why she had no desire to teach something she was so passionate about.

She'd have no trouble finding a job. He, however... He gazed idly to his own marks. Not near as brilliant as Atria, certainly, but he passed just fine. Well enough, anyway. He smiled softly. Moving closer to the young woman's ear, "How'd you do?" His breath was hot on her ear, and that alone got her attention.

She smiled to him, and let him take her page. The perfect score.

It's my last year here  
My first class moved to portable 'A'  
Under construction since summer  
And it's cold today  
I can see my breath, and what's left of the west parking lot  
And all the spaces that we fought  
And it all seems forgotten, left in the bottom  
In past piles of rubble, in puddles of rain water  
That hurt last night when I left like that  
When I won't come back  
Speaking my peace to the past  
I can't help but wonder. who is this wind at my back  
A whisper to walk on, come on from all that

_"Oh come on then!" She was laughing. They were all laughing. Buckets of whitewash, brushes. Atria carried a basket of candles. The would attempt to make the place worth while. After all, they only had a year more here, and needed a place away from the world to study. It was such a sacred haven._

His suggestion. He wanted this; wanted them to get the last use of this building they'd ever get. The Shrieking Shack was, as always, in good need for a dusting. They'd get it done, surely. Time would tell. Only so many spells could be used. There was only so much they could do. How do you clean up 'the most haunted house in Britain' on the inside, without granting the outside a view in?

Atria sat to the piano, and Remus sat next to her. He began to play, quietly. Smiling, all the while. She grinned. Shocked the piano still played; they'd ruined the top of it, and a few wires had been knocked loose. But he still made it play, beautifully. She put a plate of candles on it, and got them lit, moving about the room, while he played, and it took on a vanilla essence to the air, as they all worked away, except Remus, who entertained them with his piano playing, until he was out of song.

It took three rainy days to finish, and though everything still looked blackened, the candles draped an eerie glow to be just enough to study by.

Hopefully when the moon came, the werewolf could enjoy the lovely scent of vanilla that was on the air... 

You're the only one who stuck it out last night  
The only other one who caught the other line  
You're the only one when this world collides  
The one that I can't deny

_He sat, in pain, in a curtained-off ward in the infirmary. Alone, he didn't blame them for not being there. It was the last day. They'd want to take in the castle. Even after last night. Especially after last night. And he couldn't. He had to be here._

He scratched at one of the slow-healing cuts, as he watched out the window, as a four-way game of Quidditch was being played. He didn't hear her come in, didn't hear her, until the curtains had been pushed aside, and then, he didn't think it was her, of all people.

She moved to look out the window he was staring so intently out of. "So, why don't we break you out?"

He was startled at her voice but grinned, "Poppy wouldn't like that. You know how she is."

She grinned, "Well... I think you have quite the view, right here." She said, sinking onto his bed, she moved to kiss his cheek. He shifted, so he could get his arm around her.

"Where are the others?" He didn't expect an answer. Eyes on her, as she still stared toward the pitch. "Well... Sirius wants to see James kick Reg's ass, one more time, and Peter's playing his shadow, as usual." She said, pleasantly.

Remus smiled slightly. "They've all gone nutters, haven't they?" He asked, teasingly.

"Nah." She grinned, "Just the most of them."

She stayed with him, and when he was finally allowed to leave, she helped him with his tie, before they headed down for dinner; the year end feast. The hall was decorated in Gryffindor colors, which it would clearly be staying in, if the hourglasses were any indication.

Atria sat with Remus, quietly. Happy to be with him. Her arm was linked with his, pleasantly. Graduation was tomorrow, in London... And after that... She didn't know where she was going...

"My parents said, you can stay with us, if you'd like." He said, as if reading her mind.

Atria grinned, and kissed him on the cheek, "You're wonderful."

He just grinned. 

It's undeniable how brilliant you are  
In an unreliable world you shine like a star  
It's unforgettable now that we've come this far  
It's unmistakable that you're undeniable

_The first meeting of the Order of the Phoenix. Many young, many married, some engaged, all Hogwarts graduates, and all intelligent. They sat in the large, underground stone room. Atria was taking notes on a new potion from an old witch, with wild hair._

Remus just stuck to the far corner, watching his best friends as they caroused like old times, each boasting a woman of his own. He cast a secret smile to Atria. Soft, pleasant. She caught it, and returned it. Neither knew what this secret society had to offer them. But when they'd been asked, a movement against all they stood against... It sounded much worth it. No one thought of the fact Peter hadn't warranted an invitation.

It was like a private party, and the kids all seemed fairly stunned they'd been chosen for this. To come to this calling... This strong calling they hadn't had before. Never.

And to be part of the group, they'd make an effort, they all did. What point was there to be part of a group where no one pulled an effort. The meeting went smoothly, and a photograph was insisted upon. Atria held to Remus as he held to her, both smiling softly, from where they were with Sirius, Annee, James and Lily, along with the newly married Longbottoms, and others they knew in one way or another.

They had a goal. And with careful planning, infiltration... They'd win this battle of battles. The war was going strong. They were to lose people in their first movement, and though they made ground no one else was, it was a difficult battle. 

How am I gonna take it away in this winter wind  
You found me on a summer breeze  
How am I gonna run away when the autumn breaks  
Now that you found me in the spring  
Come on and sing it out

_He watched her sleep, in their little cottage, out in the woods, as she'd wanted it. Away from the city, away from people, where things could be just them. He loved it. It was peaceful, and his ears weren't constantly buzzing and picking up all the shouts of everything._

He wasn't tired. How could he be after tonight? It was horrible. He'd almost lost her. He couldn't imagine life without her.

He supposed it was then he'd decided to marry her. He knew she wanted it. They were going to live together the rest of their lives anyway. She'd made that clear. He laid with her, quietly. Just holding her. Listening to her sleep, when his own eyes finally fell shut. 

It's undeniable how brilliant you are  
In an unreliable world you shine like a star  
It's unforgettable now that we've come this far  
It's unmistakable that you're undeniable

_She was a vision in white, as his father brought her down the aisle. Small and quiet, only a handful knew of their wedding. They'd even invited her mother, but out of spite had cut out the date and location from the card and burned the bits lest she try to repair it with her wand. It was perfect._

For once, nothing in life went horribly wrong...

It's undeniable how brilliant you are  
In an unreliable world you shine like a star  
It's unforgettable now that we've come this far  
It's unmistakable that you're undeniable

_He could only remember her now. These plaguing, haunting memories of the woman he'd loved. He sat the rose on her headstone, and took a step back, trying not to let the sobs rack his body. It had been so quick, so unexpected._

She'd gone out...as she did every Thursday. Someone, a deranged wizard, who would now spend the rest of his life in Azkaban, had killed her.

Why? Because she wouldn't give him her money. All their money, what little they had had.

Sure, he got her inheritance. But he didn't want it--she'd never used it. 

_He just wanted his wife back. His fingers brushed the star on the white headstone, softly, as he blinked back tears. He loved her._

And he'd lost her-- the only good thing in his life. Or maybe this was the nightmare.

Maybe the reality was the dream?

Copyright Information:  
Atria (c) Remus (c) JK Rowling  
'Undeniable' (c) Matt Kearney


End file.
